Tough.

I find myself struggling more with the deescalation and return to normal life than the quarantine itself. Of course I had bad days but I think I did pretty well for the most part. And with every new phase that we enter I have to readjust and take on new information (I know we all have to do this but this blog is about me after all). I usually need a bit of time to adjust so I guess it’s taking a bit of a toll on me emotionally. I didn’t expect to be here at this time of year. I want to be at home. I love the home I have created here, and the attempt at a different life, but the home I want to be in right now is the house I grew up in in Frigate Bay. Whatever way I end up managing to get home is going to be daunting and stressful and involve more countries than I would actually like to have to layover in.

The pandemic has changed all the plans (dreams) I sort of had, which I accept, but now I have to figure some other things out (which I was trying to do before all of this) and I find that I’m struggling because I feel as though the decisions I make now are going to change everything else down the line and it’s really hard to know which direction to go in. I feel very stuck and unable to make decisions which isn’t ideal as there are some decisions that need to made pretty much immediately. Granada is a dream for me and because of all of the uncertainty, both externally and internally, I don’t know if it’s a dream I should be continuing to pursue. It’s not something that I want to give up on but at the same time I don’t know how else to move forward, or what I really want. I’m beating myself up about what I’ve been doing here and although I struggle with a lot of things about my life in St. Kitts, especially the work side of things, right now I would just like to be able to get back to work and focus on that. The problem is that it often consumes me and I end up not prioritising anything else in my life and it’s a vicious cycle that has lasted for years. I know I’m obviously not the only person who struggles with a work/life balance but I’ve found it becoming harder and harder in St. Kitts where I feel as though most of my peers are moving forward in their personal lives and because St. Kitts is dry it’s then just easier to work more, or run away to Spain for months at a time and avoid that side of things.

Alongside all of the emotions, is the financial aspect. The lack of money, especially now, and the constant background thought that I spend all of my money on what at times feels like a selfish whim in Spain rather than being more responsible and investing it in something lasting is pretty heavy. I’m extremely lucky in many ways but I’m also really unsure about what my next step(s) are and now the fear of running out of money is definitely a driving force.

At least the good thing is this anxiety has gotten rid of my appetite. Last week the snacking was endless.